
About a month or so before getting married, while planning our honeymoon, the Wifeguard called me and asked if I wanted to book a tour called "Stargazers Maui." She knew I have a budding interest in astronomy, had come across this tour in her research, and thought it’d be nice to spend an evening together staring at the stars with some pros who can point out to us some of the more spectacular sights. Moved that she showed an interest in sharing one of my little hobbies and excited at the prospect of a guided tour of the night sky, I jumped and gave her a resounding go ahead signal to book it.
At the time, I didn’t realize that this tour amounted to more than just driving to some dark, secluded park and checking out planets, star clusters, and nebulas. About a day before the tour, while confirming our reservation, I learned that yes, indeed, we would do those things, but only after a two hour drive to the top of the Haleakala crater. If you read my last post, then you already know something about an aborted climb up the Waimea Canyon in Kauai. The Wifeguard and I drove about two miles up the canyon on a narrow winding road with no guard rails before we started freaking out and beat a retreat back down the mountain. What can I say? We’re plains people, not mountain folk, but I assure you the thirty nine point turn we had to make to reverse course was far scarier than the two miles we traversed getting up there.
I don’t think I’ll ever tap an accelerator so gently again in my life... especially with the car in reverse.
So, maybe it was my bruised ego at having turned around on Waimea, the prospect of a gorgeous evening of star gazing, or the seventy two hour cancellation policy, but I somehow fooled myself into believing things would be different climbing Haleakala. Yet, as we approached the crater from a distance, its peak obscured by the clouds while the radio blared Deep Purple’s "Smoke on the Water," I had the creeping suspicion that I may have been right in an albeit unsuspected way.
Yes, indeed, Haleakala would be different. It would be higher... steeper... with more curves... and with hardly any guard rail worth mentioning. Yes, Haleakala would be different– it would be downright terrifying, and there would be no turning back.
It’s hard to say exactly when I started to lose it. First I remember hearing the car straining to continue up hill, then I remember passing a sign that said "1000 feet." After a while, we entered the clouds and I could feel my ears starting to pop. When we finally got over the clouds and I saw just how much farther up we needed to go I thought I would actually start freaking the fuck out. And I don’t mean panicking. I mean raving like a hysterically stressed out mad man. The only thing that kept me relatively calm when we got out of the clouds was listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn on the radio playing "Little Feat" by Jimmy Hendrix. But inside, I was a freaking wreck.
Every curve we took put me closer to having a stroke. Eventually we got so high that you couldn’t see anything beyond the road but blue sky. At this point I almost started to cry. It seemed like the road would never end, and, psychologically, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to "enjoy" the expansive view, but I compensated for that by giving scrupulous attention to watching "the road" which, as we passed, I don’t know, eight thousand feet in elevation, turned out to be pretty exhausting. The Wifeguard, of course, had the opposite reaction I did and she started nervously laughing as I got visibly more and more agitated over the altitude and the narrowness of the road. Looking back, I understand, but at the time I was absolutely bonkers at how should could possibly laugh at a moment like this. One false move and we could plummet to our deaths!
And as I sat there in the car, my stomach in knots, cursing myself for booking this stupid tour, my back wracked in tension, my sweaty palms wrapped around the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip, I realized something:
I was praying.
Yeah.
In my mind, I was talking to god. "God, please just get me off this fucking mountain... Jesus, let me just snap my fucking fingers and be at the top already... please, God, just get me out of this please, and I’ll even go to fucking church." I caught myself and said "Where the fuck is this coming from?" Granted, while I no longer believe in god, getting him and his son out of my vocabulary hasn’t been a priority, but this felt different. Now I was talking to the guy, and it freaked me out a bit. I started telling myself "Alright, Al, chill out. You’re nervous and you’re scared, but you’re going to get through this. You’re going to get YOURSELF through this, and you’re going to be okay." It didn’t really calm me down, but it at least it took care of that weird prayer feeling.
Anyway, at long last, after muttering a string of profanities that probably still hangs as a dark cloud over central Maui, we reached the top.
Unbelievable.
I can’t even describe how heady it felt to be there. Still daylight, you could actually look down on the clouds! We hooked up with our tour group and ate sandwiches while watching the most spectacular sunset I’d ever seen. A few of us exchanged stories about the drive up, and our tour guides started orienting us to the night sky as the stars slowly started coming into view. It was an amazing night with some truly breathtaking views. You could actually see space satellites orbiting the earth, as well as the center of the Milky Way Galaxy with your naked eyes. Through telescopes we saw Saturn’s rings, countless nebulas and star clusters, and we ended the night with an amazing look a Jupiter and its four Galilean moons. All in all, I had to admit I was glad we made the drive, even if I was dreading the drive back down, through the darkness.
The next day, as I thought about the whole experience, I couldn’t escape the irony of ascending this mountain to flex my amateur scientist/materialist muscles and succumbing to the impulse to rely on "my All Powerful Space Daddy" to get me through my fears. I started reading up on the crater and learned that only ancient Hawaiian religious leaders ever spent any time on the crater since it was considered sacred ground. In fact, the Hawaiians would travel to the peak at sunset, just like we had, but to see their shadows cast upon the clouds. They believed the shadows they saw were there souls, and eventually started a practice of depositing the ashes of their dead at the top of the crater. Haleakala was heaven for them, I suppose.
I started to wonder if they felt the same way climbing that crater that I did? Did they feel that mixture of awe and fear? Aesthetic rapture and existential dread? Amazement at the beauty, but overwhelmed by their insignificance compared to such natural grandeur?
The feelings are the same, I guess, whether you believe in god or not. The universe is a pretty impressive place and life is a pretty amazing thing. Why wouldn’t it take your breath away? But it’s easy, when you’re scared or unsure or yourself, to believe or hope that something or someone even greater than the universe can come to your rescue. The Big Guy Who Started It All will make sure you come out okay, and, if not, that’s okay too, because it’s all part of his plan. It’s a useful and comforting explanation, and it’s one I must admit I instinctively resorted to when the going got tough. Yet, as honestly as I can admit that, I also have to say that I never, for one second, really believed anyone could hear me on the other side of the divide between life and death. I knew I was talking to a ghost in hopes of calming myself down as embarrassing as that sounds.
Some might say that god called me on that mountain and that I’ve simply decided to shut my ears now that I’m back on terra firma, but I disagree. I think that I responded to the magnitude of what I saw, that I reached the top of the mountain and marveled at the universe for what it is– a beautiful and sometimes intimidating place. The universe doesn’t need to have been created by some supernatural artisan for me to be moved by it. In fact, it’s even more moving to me to know that, while I don’t fully understand it, the tools are out there.
Anyway, that’s my parting lesson from Hawaii...
Swim safely,
The Lifeguard